How to tell he’s cheating December 30, 2008

1. He’s superprotective of his gadgets. “The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,” says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he’s being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he’s more evasive.

2. He steps up the grooming. “This is so obvious, but it’s a sign many women miss: If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he’s spending more time naked,” says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He’s spending more time at the gym. 

3. He smells different. “When he comes home, if he doesn’t smell the same as he did in the morning, and it isn’t the scent of soap in the gym or at your home, it may be because he’s showered at her place,” offers Vranich. So pay attention, because in this case, that old saying “the nose knows” might very well be true.

4. Nothing fazes him anymore. “If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,” Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.” 

5. He becomes suspicious of you. “If he’s normally a mellow type, all of a sudden he may want to know where you are all the time and with whom,” says Vranich. “It’s the result of him realizing that if he’s cheating and it’s not that hard, you might also be getting away with it.” Also, beware of extremely detailed responses to even your most innocent “How was work today?” queries. He may be preparing epic answers because he’s terrified of getting caught.

One caveat: If your sex life hasn’t fallen off, that’s no guarantee that he’s faithful. “It’s a serious mistake to think that affairs are necessarily sexual. He may just be unhappy in other parts of the relationship,” says Kirshenbaum. In fact, an illicit relationship could even stoke his lust for you.

Signs you should dump him by New year’s December 28, 2008

1. When you ask to speak to him about moving in, he schedules the talk for June.

2. Each time after sex, he grabs a private notebook from his bag and scribbles something in it, giggling.

3. His friends call him by the nickname of Cheaty McGee.

4. He loves to touch you and kiss you and will do so just as soon as he powers up and finishes killing these level-four zombies. Die, video zombies, die!

5. His ring tone is “Baby Got Back.”

6. The guy’s elaborate excuse for not spending the holidays together includes training for an Ironman competition.

7. Mr. Reality still entertains the idea that he could be a “stripper choreographer.”

8. He’s already written a scathing tell-all memoir of your relationship — and you’ve only been dating for two months.

9. He calls your mom “Mrs. Robinson” and stares at her way too intensely.

10. The big spender usually splurges and buys you awesome gifts, so it’d be a real shame to dump him before Christmas

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationships/10-Signs-You-Should-Dump-Him-by-New-Years

Relationship with a cheater December 10, 2008

This is someone’s opinion on relationships with a cheater

Can a relationship with a cheater work out? Of course it can. But only if the two of you are willing.

The ability to survive and overcome infidelity requires complete honesty and authentic accountability. The nature of surviving infidelity is not a question of can it work out in so much as it is about whether or not the two of you want it to work out. If only one person in the relationship wants the relationship to work out chances are it won’t. But if two work together through the sweet and sour times anything is possible.

Infidelity is not about sex or emotions as much as it is about denying responsibility of previous decisions and a refusal to be accountable to the consequences of those decisions. Therefore, if a man claiming to hate his controlling girlfriend seeks infidelity as a means out of a relationship, he uses infidelity as an excuse because he feels unable to maturely exit the relationship by other more mature means. He further compounds his unwillingness to maturely deal with the real issue by casting blame on the woman in attempts to draw attention away from his own shortcomings. Infidelity is a mask that hides our unwillingness to rise above and be strong. That is why it is a temptation. Strong people do not resort to infidelity. Infidelity is a fatal flaw of inner weakness.

In the example provided, infidelity is not an indication of a controlling girlfriend but rather one man’s inability to maturely deal with the sours of his present relationship. Infidelity does not solve relationship problems, but rather serves to complicate and compound existing issues. Hence the man used in this example can lie to himself and claim that his act of infidelity created an opportunity for his final exit, which is true. However, to say his act of infidelity solved the problems in his relationship is a lie. Consequently, it is quite possible this man might attract another subsequent controlling girlfriend because he never dealt with the real issues of what it is about him that attracts controlling women. Furthermore, and until he does, this man will quite likely keep attracting controlling women and continue to use infidelity as an excuse to exit the relationship. Thus a cycle is created providing proof that, “Once a cheat always a cheat.”

However, if this same man was to go directly to the source of his real issues within, he might not feel the need to resort to such blame tactics like infidelity, and may resolve the issue in a more mature manner.

Some men and women cheat before they are able to recognize the real source of their issues. And only if they are willing can they rise to the challenge of dealing with their issues head on thereby refuting the statement, “Once a cheat always a cheat.”

Infidelity is an excuse one uses when one cannot effectively cope with the pitfalls of a relationship. It takes great courage and inner strength to leave an undesirable situation when the odds appear to be stacked against you. Dignity is the ability to rise above and deal with the situation head on without resorting to debasing games that merely serve to strip the integrity of both parties involved.

Infidelity is not a symptom to a cause. It is an infection to an existing wound. Both parties contribute certain factors that make up the essence of the wound. A relationship wound is created when two people come together with differing belief systems and struggle against each other in an attempt to disprove the other’s belief and prove his or her belief superior or right. Every relationship has its struggles. It is from the struggles that we emerge stronger as individuals and as a couple.

My present husband cheated on his first wife months before they married. He subsequently cheated on me a couple years into our marriage. My husband suffered from personal self esteem issues that a) he didn’t recognize existed, and b) subsequently refused to believe they existed once they had been identified. It took years of therapy for us to work through his issues. He worked on his issues and I supported him. Yet, ironically, my husband’s issues were also mine as I was no stranger to having had many men cheat on me in past. There was something about me that attracted my husband and that attracted all men who cheat. And so while his responsibility to himself and our relationship was to identify and work on his issues, my responsibility to myself and our relationship was to identify and work on my own issues. Thus we began our individual journey to healing and consequently healed as a couple as well. Our ability to survive and overcome infidelity was determined by our willingness to want to survive and overcome. Our success was determined by how badly we wanted to stop trying to change each other and instead focus on changing ourselves.

It takes great courage to face oneself in the mirror and be honest with one’s shortcomings. It takes great accountability to not blame others for our own unwillingness to change ourselves. And it takes great desire to want to work through the issues of self and the impact these issues have on our relationships. True success is determined by our dedication to want to work through the sour while savoring the sweet. When two work together through the sweet and sour times anything is possible.
http://www.helium.com/debates/160997-can-a-relationship-with-a-cheater-work-out/side_by_side?page=1

Dating experiences December 8, 2008

Why am I interested in the cheating subject?

Cheating is a subject dear to me, why? I’ve been cheated, I’ve been played, lied to, made fun of. You’ll probably say it happens to plenty of people. True! but not everyone deals with it the same way.

My second relationship (not really sure I could call it that, but anyway) lasted 2 weeks. I was on vacation, I was young. He was interested in me. It was flattering, so I went for it. It turned out that he had a girlfriend. Sadly when I came face to face with the girlfriend she said that he was badmouthing me. He told her that I was running after him, it was the other way around. He said that I wouldn’t stop calling him, lie! He made up all those lies about me. He wasn’t worth it. I got rid of the problem. Later on (years after) It was my turn to control the situation. We hooked up, but on my terms, and I dumped him as soon as I got tired. He never got over it. He always wanted more than what I planned to give. He now has a baby a girlfriend with 3 other kids that he is taking care of. I’m glad I got out when I did. It could’ve been me with his baby.

Then I got with my boyfriend. No one ever hurt me the way he has, but we’re still together. Sometimes I wonder how did we make it so far. I wonder will we last forever. We’ve been through so much. We’re still going through stuff.

Our story. We went to school together, started a relationship. I ended it after 6 months. My excuse: I did not know what I was doing at that time, plus I couldn’t handle hiding from my dad anymore. I was too young. So we parted, and became the best of friends. He made it impossible for me to forget about him even if I wanted to. Then, school ended, he went away, I was left alone. It did not bother me much. I would hear from him once in a blue moon, that was it. 3 years, we met again. He had his girlfriend, I was doing my own thing. He still had feelings for me. I started seeing him differently. I was attracted in a more mature way. We started talking seeing each other. When I felt like things were about to get serious, I asked about the girlfriend. He told me they had broken up (there was a whole story about it). No girlfriend, I could do whatever. We ended up in a real relationship.

Almost a year into the relationship, the ex subject came up. I’m very curious, I love to ask questions. I came to find out that the whole time we were talking, he was still with the ex. It pissed me off, he had lied to me. He swore he told me so, I just didn’t care. He never did, I’m not the type to do anything with anyone knowing they are in a relationship.

I was in too deep, I decided to move on, and let it go. After a year and half, I found out he’s been cheating for 2 months. “What goes around comes around” right?  The difference is that I did not know that he was cheating with me. I called it quit. I felt deceived, ridiculed. I tried very hard throughout the whole relationship, seemed that I was the only one to care.

Once I left him, he realized he had something good. He was basically on his knees, begging me to come back to him for a whole year. “That year was the best of my life” Everything I wanted I got, I did not have to ask for anything. I did not see it that way at that time. I did not care. I did everything in my power to push him away. He knew I was hanging out with other guys. I made it clear I didn’t want him back. I didn’t want anything from him, but for some reason I could not get rid of him completely. 

When a whole set of drama happened and he decided to move on, I started missing him. Missing having him around, laughing together and just doing fun stuff together. Last thing that happened was me seeing his picture online with someone else. It hurt me in my bones. My thoughts were:”there is no way I will have that b****( I know her) have what’s mine. I did what I did to get him back.

It’s been almost a year now. I wonder if I did the right thing by going after him. After everything that happened, I feel scarred for life. I have big trust issues. I don’t know if I’ll ever get rid of them, if so, how long it would be.

Al I know is I love him, he says he loves me too. We’re talking marriage, we’re making plans for the future together. The only things stopping me from being completely happy and carefree, are my trust issues, and the fear that it could happen again.

Did I make the right choice by getting back with him. If so, how do I get rid of my trust issues?