Daddy’s lil girl December 14, 2008

I am so excited. In 11 hours, I’m getting in my car, destination airport to pick up my dad. I can’t wait to see him. I believe it’s been 9 months since he left. He usually comes by 3- 5 times  a years. Not this year though, it’s been complicated. He’s not staying long, but I plan to enjoy every second with him.

He loves to eat. He loves to try new food. I pulled out my recipe box. I already started my prep for dinner later. My chicken is marinating, my potatoes are peeled. The wine is waiting to be poured. Everything else can wait.

I’m so glad…

New beginnings December 12, 2008

Today is my last day of class. Next week is final week. I am excited and stressed at the same time. Excited because I’m finally getting a break, and I won’t have to think school for at least 2 weeks. Stressed because finals are usually nerve-racking to me. No matter how much I study, I never feel ready, I always get nervous. Hopefully I survive.

Anyways, the other day, I was having a little bit of a breakdown. I was fighting with my beau for some stupid reason. I spent a good part of the day without hearing from him. I did not try to contact either. As I said before, whenever we’re fighting, I’m always the one to reach out first. I feel like if he loves me, if he cares about me the way he says he does; he should swallow his pride from time to time, and make the first move too.

Well he called in the afternoon. I was still mad. I still thought of him as a jerk; therefore, I wasn’t too nice on the phone. He didn’t feel comfortable, so he said he would call later. Few minutes after he started texting (now there are certain situations when I hate text messaging, fighting with him would be one of them), so I sent him away, and told him he could call me later if he still wanted to bitch about stuff. He wasn’t happy about, but he had no choice.

He called back later, we fought some more, then we talked like two human beings. He told me how much he loved me, and did not see his life without me. Now I know this could all be BS, but I’ve always been by his side no matter what, and he’s always done the same for me too. Having someone there for him is very important to him. He never shared such closeness with his exes. I think this is something special between two people, and it is not easy to find. I guess this is one of the reasons why we still can’t leave each other no matter what happens.

At the end of the night, he pissed me off again, and I decided to end it once and for all. I did not want to deal with the crap. Something I’ve been asking for, for 8 months, I still could not get it. I think he realized I was serious this time. He promised it was the end of it. I decided to take his word for it. I know one thing, if ever I find out it’s a lie, I will not look back. I won’t even give myself the time to think of anything special that we have together. I will be out for good.

We spent the afternoon together yesterday, it was very nice. He helped me with my homework (I really appreciated that). Tonight we are going  out on a date. I am excited, it’s been a while.

Fun times finally…

Love hurts December 10, 2008

So I’m having a bad day. My BF and I are fighting. I have not heard from him since the last enraged goodbye I said last night. I called him a jerk. That’s what I was feeling at the time, I still am.

Sometimes I feel like we are living a lie, guess this is the end of it.

The stupid fight was about a call that I received from a guy that I have history with and he doesn’t like. I could care less about the guy. He is being used anyway for my little revenge session. My boyfriend doesn’t know that, and I don’t plan on telling him either. He wanted to know the reason why the guy was calling me. We did not have a conversation, how should I know? He wanted me to call him back and ask him. I refused, I was not about to satisfy his ego. He went through my phone, heard a voicemail the guy left me a few weeks ago stating that he wanted to ask me a question. Of course he wanted to know what the  question was.

I didn’t feel like I had to tell him, not that I cared. The thing is, when he’s in such situation, and I ask questions about what so and so wanted or why so and so is always calling, he says that I am insecure, I’m acting crazy, I can’t be investigating him 24/7. I had access to his email, his phone, etc… He changed all the passwords. That’s his personal stuff, I can’t be looking at them. Okay, no choice, I let him do what he wanted. In the meantime my personal stuff is open. He says he doesn’t check, I don’t believe him; I don’t care. I have nothing to hide.

He wants me to trust his word. I’ve been trying to. I’ll admit sometimes I go crazy, but I’ve been trying to control myself lately. I don’t question much anymore. I don’t go looking for clues anymore. I just take it however it is. This is the effort that I’ve been putting in the relationship. It started getting better until last night.

I feel like he’s been expecting me to do everything, and him do nothing to better the relationship. Again I could be wrong. I put my self 100% into this relationship. I knew I wanted him, and I went for him. Now it feels like I made the wrong choice, and that it may be time for me to move on.

I just wish I wasn’t so weak, I could just get up and go and not look back. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know what to think or how to act. I don’t even know what’s right or wrong to do now. All I know is I don’t want to be the first to call, cause it’s always the case.

I would love to be stronger.

Friend with my ex November 30, 2008

This is just a question that I’ve had. I would like to get some opinions on it.

Is it safe keeping a friendship with your ex that you still have feelings for, who still has feelings for you, but is married to someone else?